Knowing Your Pattern of Relationship – Dominant Patterns Part 2

Scripted Relationships

Ø    Often begins when partners are just out of high school or college

Ø    Seem to be the “perfect pair”

Ø    Marriage involves living out their expectations for roles they learned they were supposed to play

Ø    Child-focused

Ø    When career takes place, they will be the career-oriented couple even if they have a child too

Ø    Heavy involvement with the family origin such as calling parents at least once a day

Ø    Big holidays are stressful and became days of obligation rather than holidays

Ø    Endless arguments about everything on how to maintain the illusion of perfection to family and friends as well as how to handle their own personal feelings and matters

Ø    Difficulty to talking to each other in intimate ways might happen as a result of the power struggles

Ø    Everyone can end up “invisible”. The wife may be invisible to the husband, with his focus on career and kids; the husband may be invisible to the wife, with her focus on the children and her community interests; the children are invisible because their primary role is to serve as projections of their parents’ need and expectations, and anything that doesn’t fit those expectations is squelched

Ø    A step towards breaking out of an expected role is often viewed as a major threat and a power struggle ensues

Ø    Partners tend to get stuck in old patterns; they don’t find a way to discuss where to go on holidays or vacations

Ø    May divorce in their forties after over 20 years of marriage, often because the kids are independent by then.

Ø    Ending in these relationships are heart-wrenchingly painful and destructive

Ø    However when the partners start letting go of their tight hold on their scripts and expectations, couples start to listen, disclose their deeper feelings, to negotiate, and to compromise thus providing room for each other to develop and begin to value individual identities

Ø    Partners learn to pursue their common interests and pleasures such as going out together tonight and taking kids out to recreational park tomorrow

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Comments

  1. That is why we need to date with our couple long enough until we learn how to get a good marriage. but things are hard to say.
    Diffrent people with diffrent mind.
    There will only be the lucky and unlucky one.
    Divorce for unlucky ones.
    We should understand the full responsibility before getting marry and having a child.

  2. christy.yong says:

    Yea get to know your partner well enough first. dating stage is dating stage. When you think that you are really steady, congrats! Proceed to the next level- Marriage. If there are doubts still, hang on..

  3. Thats why people opt for living under the same roof before settle for a marriage. Living together is totally different from how closed your relationship was. If the girl disagree, maybe they should just keep the relationship as bf-gf. ^^

  4. christy.yong says:

    Hey Jimmy~! Yes it is true that living under the same roof will help to let the couples get used to living with one another. But there is certain rules and culture that we have to abide by. In Asia, a lady who lives with a guy before their marriage is considered a no-no. However, in a relationship, couples should really learn to understand and know one another well enough before committing to a lifelong responsibility. There are of course, other ways to get to know one another more besides living under the same roof only. ;)

  5. @Jw

    It is true that sometimes living together before marriage is total different thing like what Christy have pointed out. Living does not need only love but understanding each other and also being flexible in terms of habits and attitude of both couple.

  6. christy.yong says:

    Yes, true indeed.

  7. yeah. Agree with you guys. That is why some people prefer having the bf-gf relationship rather than getting married. =)

  8. @ cimnat

    Thanks dropping by…it is good to have relationship before going for marriage…

    Relationship starts by feeling but marriage is about commitment and responsibilities

    So think wisely before making any decision… :)

  9. christy.yong says:

    Yes, Michelle. It’s better to get to know more about your partner first before getting into marriage.

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